Things that Enable Happiness

I just reread David Myers’ The Pursuit of Happiness, a book that debunks many old ideas linking happiness to gender, race, age, and financial state. Friends, flow, and faith count more. In the epilogue, Myers lists things that do enable happiness:

• Fit and healthy bodies
• Realistic goals and expectations
• Positive self-esteem
• Feels of control
• Optimism
• Outgoingness
• Supportive friendships that enable companionship and confiding
• A socially intimate, sexually warm, equitable marriage
• Challenging work and active leisure, punctuated by adequate rest and retreat
• A faith that entails communal support, purpose, acceptance, outward focus, and hope.

 

I curious about your reaction to the above list. Does anything in particular seem out of place? Is there something there that surprises you? Or perhaps something IS NOT there that you believe should be. If so, what is it? For example, I frequently hear people saying something like, “I sure wish I would win the lottery. Then my troubles would be over, and I’d be happy.” According to decades of research , that’s not true.

 

Don’t Take Things Personally!

In both of my classes yesterday, somehow the discussion led to remarks of others and how damaging they can be to one’s self-concept. After hearing a few “case studies,” I shared some information that I picked up from a great little book entitled The Four Agreements by Don Miquel Ruiz.

 

In a nutshell, the agreements are:

1. Be impeccable with your word.
2. Don’t take things personally.
3. Don’t make assumptions.
4. Do your Best.

 It’s beyond the purpose of this post (and the time of its author!) to expound on each of these agreements, so I’m going to focus on the second and third ones. When time allows, I’ll address the others.

 

Don’t take things personally. According to Ruiz, nothing other people do or say is because of you. Rather, it’s a projection of their own reality and says much more about them than about you. Taking things personally can cause unnecessary pain and suffering on your part. In class, a young woman shared that her mother’s negative comments had created some enmity between them, and a classmate suggested that she look at her mother’s mother. What kind of person was she? Could she have so negatively influenced her own child to such an extent that a granddaughter was now paying the price?

 

Don’t make assumptions. Ruiz suggests that we communicate with others as clearly as possible so that we can avoid misunderstandings and sadness. If we do this, Ruiz feels that we can completely transform our lives. Here’s my example of this concept. When I call my adult children, they don’t always answer their cell phones, and sometimes hours (or a day) might pass before they get back in touch with me. I used to vacillate between anger, annoyance, and hurt, but now I tell myself, “They’re busy. Don’t assume that they don’t want to talk to you because you know that’s not the case. They’ll get back with you after class or work or whatever they’re doing.” Telling myself that instead of assuming that they don’t care has made a huge difference in my attitude.

 

What about your own life? Are there situations in which you have taken things personally when in fact they didn’t have anything to do with you? Have you ever felt sad, rejected, angry, perturbed, or upset because of a false assumption that you made?

What Makes You Happy?

Aristotle, William James, and my Aunt Gladys agree on at least one thing: people want to be happy. What makes people happy and how they can sustain it, however, are a little tricky. Is it money? Fame and fortune? Good health? Love?

Although I haven’t read this book, I just read a review of a book entitled The Happiness Hypothesis by Jonathon Haidt, a professor of social psychology at the University of Virginia. According to the review, Haidt makes a good case for the idea that happiness is the result of several factors: some genetic (physical functioning of a person’s brain), some situational (conditions of life such as a person’s family, community, job), and some behavioral (choices and actions).

What I want to know is what you think about the roots of happiness. Is happiness (or the lack thereof) a genetic thing, or do the circumstances of our lives hold the key? Do our actions and choices figure into the equation? Tell me what you think.