Deadly Relationship Habits

While cleaning out some files earlier today, I came across some notes from a Glasser conference that I attended about three years ago. As well as I recall, this particular session was about relationship disorders and people with control issues. You might know a few of them, the folks who think they know what’s right for themselves AND for everyone else. According to my notes, “as soon as you say what’s right for other people, you begin to sow the seeds of destruction.”

 Below are Dr. Glasser’s Seven Deadly Habits of External Control with a few of the notes I scribbled at the time. In his words, “You can stop using them or not. It’s your choice.” Just for the heck of it, read them and see if any sound familiar:

1. Criticizing. Glasser feels there’s no such thing as constructive criticism because essentially what you’re saying is, “I think what you’re doing is not as effective as it could be.”
2. Blaming. Maybe you know whose fault it is, but so what?
3. Complaining. If you’re hooked up with a complainer the years will get longer and longer.
4. Nagging
5. Threatening. “If you don’t do what’s best (in my opinion), then I’ll give you a hard time or maybe even kill you.”
6. Punishing
7. Bribing. This is a way of rewarding people in order to control them.

An advocate of choice theory, Dr. Glasser feels that we need to teach people how to be better and happier human beings and that following the above habits is totally ineffective. I remember getting somewhat amused when he said that after one of his sessions, a woman came up and said something like, “I’m guilty of all of the seven deadly habits, but I can’t help it. And I just can’t change either.” What did the esteemed doctor say? “Then don’t. It’s your choice.”

It’s a simple concept. Find out what works best for you and do it, but don’t try to tell others what to do. It doesn’t work…at least not in the long run. And not in healthy relationships.