While cleaning out some files earlier today, I came across some notes from a Glasser conference that I attended about three years ago. As well as I recall, this particular session was about relationship disorders and people with control issues. You might know a few of them, the folks who think they know what’s right for themselves AND for everyone else. According to my notes, “as soon as you say what’s right for other people, you begin to sow the seeds of destruction.”
Below are Dr. Glasser’s Seven Deadly Habits of External Control with a few of the notes I scribbled at the time. In his words, “You can stop using them or not. It’s your choice.” Just for the heck of it, read them and see if any sound familiar:
1. Criticizing. Glasser feels there’s no such thing as constructive criticism because essentially what you’re saying is, “I think what you’re doing is not as effective as it could be.”
2. Blaming. Maybe you know whose fault it is, but so what?
3. Complaining. If you’re hooked up with a complainer the years will get longer and longer.
4. Nagging
5. Threatening. “If you don’t do what’s best (in my opinion), then I’ll give you a hard time or maybe even kill you.”
6. Punishing
7. Bribing. This is a way of rewarding people in order to control them.
An advocate of choice theory, Dr. Glasser feels that we need to teach people how to be better and happier human beings and that following the above habits is totally ineffective. I remember getting somewhat amused when he said that after one of his sessions, a woman came up and said something like, “I’m guilty of all of the seven deadly habits, but I can’t help it. And I just can’t change either.” What did the esteemed doctor say? “Then don’t. It’s your choice.”
It’s a simple concept. Find out what works best for you and do it, but don’t try to tell others what to do. It doesn’t work…at least not in the long run. And not in healthy relationships.
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7 responses so far ↓
Jennifer Pearson // September 23, 2009 at 2:32 am
Hmmm these ’seven deadly relationship habits’ definitely strike a nerve. I feel guilty of almost all of them…then again, I feel justified in some ways~and that’s when Blame comes in. Well, I guess I should begin by stating that I am in a wonderful relationship…now. My fiance and I have been together for going on 3 years now. Not a day goes by that there isn’t some kind of change going on. The thing is, it is for the better. We did the whole 7 deadly relationship habits, and we did it WELL. The thing is, we had so much love for one another that we finally broke past any barriers keeping us from being happy. As far as the threatening and punishing, there are so many ways to view those 2. They do not necessarily mean brash, harsh outbreaks of anger and retaliation or even anything physical. I used to say threatening things like “I’m leaving because…and if you want me back, then…” , but then I realized that was unrealistic and immature. I loved him and I certainly never meant I was going to leave him for good. As far as punishment, he would hang out with his ‘old’ group of friends anytime we argued. This he knew would hurt me, so pretty much he was getting me back for whatever argument we had gotten into. The thing with all this is trust. Once you break that, there will always be questions of one’s integrity and dedication. I am still young, but I believe I have gotten through these steps to further an awesome relationship. These are definitely intelligent guidelines to use to avoid conflict in any relationship, whether it is a friend, family member, or other half:-)
I'm glad you can see the application of these concepts, and I hope that you'll continue to apply them. Relationships are challenging and require TONS of work, but they're worth it.Aleshia Simon // August 31, 2009 at 2:54 pm
What I am saying it that I have stop the deadly habits, but I am also saying that it’s not enough just to stop bad habits, but to practice good ones. by working out your problems.Finding out where did it start but also how can it end. But if the problem is deeper than the surface, then maybe you should leave the dead to rest.
Aleshia Simon // August 30, 2009 at 3:22 am
I have been in a realtionship like this but instead of putting all the blame on my other half, I rather put it on myself because I played a big role in it. Yes it started with criticizing,blaming,and nagging and then lead to father more but never hitting. And we never fuss in front of the kids. He gave me that much respect. I thought He was mr. right and when you first meet a person that you know you wanna spend your life with. Yoe never think about them hurting you or putting you down. But every relationship has there problems, Its just up to you if you wanna work it out or pack your bags and leave. Me I choose to be the bigger women and work out my problem. Now we have a better undestanding of things, we respect eachother and most of all we are a family.
Are you saying that you and he have stopped the deadly habits or that you've adjusted regardless of them?Melissa Anderson // August 25, 2009 at 8:30 pm
Although I have to come to realize over the years, that I myself take part in some of these habits, but I’ve come to realize I learned this from someone VERY close… my own mother. Whether it was my bed that needed to be made ( and I always did it wrong.. because in her terms “Mother knows Best”) or my chicken I cooked for dinner was still pink inside– She made sure to criticize my every move… and she still does to this day!!! Unfortunately for her–she learned these habits from her mother (my grandmother) and my grandmother’s mother… and so forth. So this vicious cycle has been going around in my family for generations. Whenever I have a family– I’m going to try my best to fix these habits and not have my children go through “the interestingly horrible family generation criticizers”
I hope you will be the transition person who stops this cycle. Have you ever tried to talk to your mother about this?Brittany Phillips // July 18, 2009 at 8:55 pm
I know someone who has all seven deadly habits, my grandmother. I’m currently living with my grandparents, and I observe my grandmother actions towards my grandfather and sometimes me. Theres only three out of the seven that is the most common.Number one, she would critisize my grand father and I. For example if we cook, or clean a different way from her she says ,”youre not doing it right!” She also blames us for things that she done such as if she burned up the food while cooking she would blame us for not being there. Finally, she has a bad habit about nagging. my grandparents house is big, so it takes a minute to get from one side to the other. my grandfather or i can be in the kitchen and she will call us from her bedroom just to turn off the light. I might not be in a relationship but i fear for my grandfather because he is such a good easy-hearted man.
What's so sad about this is that your grandmother doesn't even see what she's doing...or how her controlling behavior is hurting the relationship she has with her husband and granddaughter.Tricia Williams // July 15, 2009 at 6:07 pm
Go Sheri!
I didn’t want to respond to this because I have some of these tendencies. I don’t have all of them, but I always tend to think my way of doing things is the best way. Because of my criticism, my man is discouraged him from doing anything at all. I am learning quickly to step back and let him do the dishes or cook without my interference. I’m working hard to change my mindset because I don’t want it to hurt our relationship and I especially don’t want it to interfere with my children’s developement.
Thank goodness you're self-aware enough to see these tendencies in you and that you have the desire to change them. I have a relative who will NEVER change although her nagging, controlling, domineering, know-it-all attitude has alienated her husband, children, sisters, and former work associates from her. She thinks it's "them" with the problem because she's perfect. How sad is that?sheri Hannibal // July 14, 2009 at 2:08 pm
I was in a relationship like this. My husband was very controlling at first i thought it was right because i grew in a single parent home ,my father wasn’t there so i thought that was what a men was suppose to do in a relation ship. I was young and didn’t know any better until i let it get to far. He started to do it alittle to much he went throug all of dr. glasser seven deadly habits. It started wit criticizing. Every i did was wrong. Every thing i cook was nasty. Every thing i cleaned was still dirty. know matter how bad he treated me i didn’t want to leave because i thought i was hurting the kids . If i left they woundn’t have there father. When he hit me in front the kids i relize i was hurting them by staying and i pack my bags and left.
Sounds like it took a while but that you learned some very useful lessons from this experience...and so did your kids. By your example, they learned that a person can and MUST stand up for herself.