Weddings and Lava Cakes

I have a young friend who’s going through a dilemma right now. Her mother wants her to have a big church wedding complete with several attendants, beautiful flowers, heavenly music, a precious flower girl, and hundreds of guests. The bride-to-be wants to get married at her grandparents’ home with only family and a few close friends. Actually, she wants to tie the knot outside in a grove of trees where she and her cousins played as children. Who will win? Will the mother prevail, or will the young woman be able to overcome her mother’s objections and have the wedding of her dreams?

This situation reminds me of one of Stephen Covey’s habits outlined in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Be Proactive. People who are proactive make their own choices, including mental, emotional, and behavioral. Rather than simply reacting to others and their demands, their quirky behaviors, or their draining influence, a proactive person chooses her own thoughts and actions regardless of the “weather” around them. Covey contends that a proactive person always carries the weather with her instead of reacting to the storms  around them.

Covey further explains that for every event, situation, or product, there is always a first and a second creation. The first creation is in your mind, and the second is the actual result of the thought(s). For instance, the other evening I made some tasty chocolate lava cakes for a party we were attending, and as I thought about these tiny cakes, I realized how much prettier and festive they would look with pink, red, and white sprinkles on the top. I was right! They (the second creation)  were both pretty and delicious.

All situations don’t involve cakes. Some are major and involve imagining yourself in a future career and then getting the education and expertise needed to achieve that goal. Others might involve life events like standing up to a domineering person like a mother or a boss. Regardless of the situation, I agree with Covey that there’s always a first and second creation. The problem is that often the first creation is in someone else’s mind. Sometimes people get into careers, relationships, and environments that are someone else’s dream, someone else’s first creation.

In the opening paragraph, I described a very real situation that will soon be decided. Will the bride stroll down the aisle on the arm of her father while hundreds of onlookers ooh and aah? That’s her mother’s first and second creation. Or will she tie the knot under an oak tree, thus making reality of her own first creation?

What about you? Is the second creation (your own life) one that you chose? Is it your first creation, one that you dreamed about in your mind, or is it that of your sweetheart, your parents, or society? If you could be more proactive, what would you change?

Believe, Be Brave, and Focus

Positive psychology is all about positive change, personal choice, and development. Living a more effective life is the goal. Is there anyone reading this post whose life is exactly where you it to be? Even if today is completely satisfying, would you feel that same way if you knew that you’d be doing, thinking, and feeling the exact same thing(s) one year from today?

Is there a better time to make some changes in your thinking and acting than the beginning of a new year? With 12 months and 52 weeks of time stretched before you, what can/will you do that could make a difference in your life between January 3^rd of this year and January 3^rd of 2013? Do you need to make some relationship changes, even if it’s just setting a boundary? Do you need to find another job, one that more fully utilizes your talents and abilities? Do you need to explore other horizons and see just what life looks like out of South Carolina?

Many people use the beginning of a new year to make resolutions, and while that’s a good idea, sometimes those resolutions bite the dust after a few weeks. We get comfortable in our old routines and forget all about that resolution to take dance lessons, take a mini trip, or lose ten pounds. We get complacent about our relationships, and hence we think feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or sad is normal.

There’s a solution to making changes that doesn’t involve resolutions. It involves words. Yes, using words with personal meaning for us can fuel positive change. Choosing a word that’s just right for you can guide how you think, redirect how you feel, and influence how you act. A friend and I have followed this practice for about five years, and we’re so happy with the results that I wanted to suggest it to you. Not only did we make most of our decisions based on our individual words, but we also found ourselves permanently changing our behavior. Well, semi-permanently. There are still times when I have to remind myself to have COURAGE, to BELIEVE, and to say YES more often. One year my word was NO to people, requests, and situations that were toxic to my psyche.

After much thought and deliberation, my friend came up with her word last week. It’s EXPLORATION. Curious, I asked her whether she meant exploration of other places, interests, and ideas or whether she meant inner exploration. Was she planning to take more trips, hike on the Appalachian Trail, take up painting, or discover inner talents? “All of it. Everything,” she answered. And guess what? She’s already started and is  going on a road trip to Washington, DC with a couple of friends later this month.

Enough about her. What about me? My word for 2012 is FOCUS. That doesn’t sound as exciting as EXPLORATION, but it’s something I definitely need to work on. My husband often says, “You just need to concentrate on one thing at a time,” or “If you’d just pay attention and do one thing at a time, you’d get more accomplished…and maybe you wouldn’t misplace so many things.”

Then too, there are several projects I’m working on, and I know that I need to focus on one at a time. Should I correct the galleys for a book I’m self-publishing? Should I write a few paragraphs for a ebook that I’m writing about what every technical/community college student needs to know? Should I clean out the refrigerator? Or maybe it’s time to clean out some closets. Or no, that can wait. What’s really important is playing Words with Friends with my brother. Then again, classes begin next week, and we’re using a new text for an intro class so I better get busy on that. But not until I start this new book I ordered for my Kindle.

See what I mean? I need to focus, focus, focus. What’s your word? What’s that special combination of letters that can help you capture some of those glittering possibilities that lie in store in 2012? Please tell us your word and share why it’s so important to your personal growth and change.