I have a young friend who’s going through a dilemma right now. Her mother wants her to have a big church wedding complete with several attendants, beautiful flowers, heavenly music, a precious flower girl, and hundreds of guests. The bride-to-be wants to get married at her grandparents’ home with only family and a few close friends. Actually, she wants to tie the knot outside in a grove of trees where she and her cousins played as children. Who will win? Will the mother prevail, or will the young woman be able to overcome her mother’s objections and have the wedding of her dreams?
This situation reminds me of one of Stephen Covey’s habits outlined in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Be Proactive. People who are proactive make their own choices, including mental, emotional, and behavioral. Rather than simply reacting to others and their demands, their quirky behaviors, or their draining influence, a proactive person chooses her own thoughts and actions regardless of the “weather” around them. Covey contends that a proactive person always carries the weather with her instead of reacting to the storms around them.
Covey further explains that for every event, situation, or product, there is always a first and a second creation. The first creation is in your mind, and the second is the actual result of the thought(s). For instance, the other evening I made some tasty chocolate lava cakes for a party we were attending, and as I thought about these tiny cakes, I realized how much prettier and festive they would look with pink, red, and white sprinkles on the top. I was right! They (the second creation) were both pretty and delicious.
All situations don’t involve cakes. Some are major and involve imagining yourself in a future career and then getting the education and expertise needed to achieve that goal. Others might involve life events like standing up to a domineering person like a mother or a boss. Regardless of the situation, I agree with Covey that there’s always a first and second creation. The problem is that often the first creation is in someone else’s mind. Sometimes people get into careers, relationships, and environments that are someone else’s dream, someone else’s first creation.
In the opening paragraph, I described a very real situation that will soon be decided. Will the bride stroll down the aisle on the arm of her father while hundreds of onlookers ooh and aah? That’s her mother’s first and second creation. Or will she tie the knot under an oak tree, thus making reality of her own first creation?
What about you? Is the second creation (your own life) one that you chose? Is it your first creation, one that you dreamed about in your mind, or is it that of your sweetheart, your parents, or society? If you could be more proactive, what would you change?
I married at age 22. I supported my husband and his dream of becoming a restaurant owner putting my career on hold. After ten years and 7 restaurants, I realized how unhappy I was. I felt like I had moved into his life and no longer had my own. I had a discussion with my husband about going back to school to become a registered nurse. I feared I would have a hard time talking to him about living my dream. He was very supportive and encouraging. I am in my third semester, I work 2 jobs, go to school full time, I’m the mother of a wonderful 10 year old son, and a happy wife. Since making the decision to live my own first creation I am a better mother, wife, friend, employee, student, daughter, sister, etc,.
I had a similar situation with my wedding. I wanted a small wedding on the beach with only close family and friends on a budget of like 100$. However my mother wanted an elaberate church wedding with the big dress, flowers and about 300 people. In the end to make both of us happy (since she was paying) I was married in a church with a simple white dress and only 75 people total. After the wedding I look back and am glad that she talked me into it, its kinda like she knew what I wanted more than I did.
I'm glad this worked out for you. Sounds like a win/win situation.This reminds me of a scene from the movie “Monster in Law” where a bride to be was marrying a famous opinion leader’s son who’s character (before the resolution) is very much comparable to “Cruella Devill”. (I am not in any way trying to say that these traits are comparable to your friend and her mother I only mention this out of relevance). Anyway the mother was giving very exact details from the bride’s gown down to the napkins that were going to be used, and naturally the bride was overwhelmed by the sovereign wedding planner.
The moral of this I would think is that the mother’s “1st” dream for the wedding is all good and fine, as long as the bride to be full-heartedly agrees with her mother’s dream, in which case let the “2nd” dream commence! Incidentally however, this is not so. Your friend has her own 1st dream and wants it fulfilled to the 2nd stage. Although it can be very difficult to go against such an influential character such as one’s mother, that alone should not rend the bride to be’s own dream to be nothing more than that “1st stage” dream. She needs to do the wedding the way she wants it otherwise she will have that same “1st” dream recur in her mind forever. After all it is her special day, not her mother’s.
Nice to have a male perspective on this scenario. Although I haven't mentioned the groom in this situation, he could have a lot of influence on what happens. Does he support his future bride in having the wedding "their" way, or does he succumb to pressure?I agree that the bride should choose what she wants. Having said that though, it really is easier said than done sometimes. Standing up and being proactive are not easy for some people, not if you want to keep the peace. And keeping the peace is more important to some people. How do we balance that?
In general, I am a peacekeeper. My son gets aggravated at me for not standing up for myself and doing what I want. And it always makes me think of the Thoreau quote, “Most men lead lives of quiet desperation and go to the grave with the song still in them.” And it is very true. So really, the subject is not really just the wedding and how she wishes it to be vs. how it will be. It is really about singing your own song and having it heard.
You're so right!This is about much more than the wedding and probably indicates how she resolves a lot of issues in her life. I don't know how a person gets the balance right, but I think that awareness that one has a problem and that there's a solution is a good start.The situtaion the the bride is going through i imagine would be a hard one. People seem to want to please everyone, but thats usualluy impossible. If i was the bride to be i have to go with want i want. A wedding only happens once, ” sometimes twice ..or more”. The bride should follow her heart and do what makes herself happy!
Amen!