Mirror, Mirror

This week I read an article on NPR that dealt with an interesting topic concerning later adulthood. According the the author, young people in their working years often fail to prepare to plan adequately for their retirement years. There are a number of possible reasons for this, but he thinks it might have to do with the fact that most people just cannot see themselves differently than they are right now.The fact that they will one day be old and weak just does not compute with them.

Here are the basics of the research. A room with a special kind of mirror was set up, a mirror that would automatically age the person several decades. One moment a 30 year old would be looking at his handsome young face, and within seconds, the face looking back at him would be 70…sagging jowls, wrinkles galore, bald head! It was scary! So what do you think these people did? They began putting more money into retirement savings!

Just curious: How do you think you’d react to your 70 year old appearance? Would it wake you up to some changes you need to make today?

Say Yes

Abraham Maslow, famous humanistic psychologist, is perhaps best known for the hierarchy of needs. I’ve always enjoyed reading about Maslow’s life and theories, especially his concept of self actualization. Sitting atop the famous pyramid of needs, it refers to something Maslow referred to as “full humanness.” The self-actualizing people that Maslow studied devoted their lives to “being” values such as truth, goodness, and beauty, and they had a willingness to work hard and apply themselves in order to make the most of their innate abilities and attributes.

I’ve been studying Maslow on and off for years, but it wasn’t until yesterday that I came across a sentence in a book by Tom Butler-Bowdon (50 Psychology Classics) that succinctly expresses one of Maslow’s beliefs about what becoming self-actualized really involves. I think the reason it hit me with such force is because earlier in the day, I had quipped, “It’s all about choices,” when chatting with a family member. In Maslow’s words, a person who is growing towards his or her potential has an “awareness of life as a series of choices—one way advances us toward personal growth, the other involves a regression.”

Do you agree with Maslow? Do you see your life as a series of choices that lead either toward your greater good or keep you stuck in a quagmire? If a person gets “stuck” too long, will she eventually stop growing and perhaps begin regressing? Are there choices that you need to make RIGHT NOW that could determine the direction of your growth for the better? If so, are you willing to say YES?

Genes or Will Power?

Would you survive Blackbeard’s attack? I recently read The Survivors Club by Ben Sherwood, a virtual fount of interesting and useful information that we can all apply to our lives beginning today. Always intrigued by who survives disasters and who doesn’t, what makes a person resilient (do some people have a resilience gene?), and what factors determine our longevity, Iwas fascinated by the information in this book.

I’ve learned that surviving doesn’t depend on a single factor. Several are involved in beating the odds. For example, the Central Park jogger’s friends describe her as indomitable. While that’s true, it’s also true that her massive brain injuries might have aided in her recovery. Unable to remember the attack, she wasn’t tormented by flashbacks or nightmares. Then there was the story of a  man who awoke to find himself in the ocean in the dark wearing his undies and a sweatshirt. He had no recollection of how he got there, but apparently he had fallen off of the cruise ship. He managed to stay awake and afloat all night, and he feels that the secret to his survival is sheer will power and his ability to stay calm and focused. That counted for something, of course, but his prior military training  and physical fitness gave him an edge that the average Joe wouldn’t have had.

But what about the ultimate survival? What about living a long, happy life? What determines how long we live? Is it heredity? Is it a 50/50e split between heredity and environment? We’ve been discussing this issue in General Psychology, and inquiring minds want to know.  While nature and nurture are both important, lifestyle, personal choice, and plain old luck figure into the equation too.

According to The Survivors Club, genetic factors influence about 25 percent of our longevity. This fact is especially intriguing when you consider that 80 to 90 percent of our height is determined by our parents’ heights. I can’t wait to share this information with my sister. Our mother died of cancer when she was only 71, and my sweet sis thinks we’re going to succumb to the big C too. Maybe so. Who can predict the future? All I can say for certain is that Ann and I are medium tall because of our DNA, but other factors are going to determine whether we live past 71.

Longevity depends largely on the decisions you make and the things that happen to you on a daily basis. According to Sherwood, it’s never too late to make changes to prolong your life.  Before mentioning some of those changes, I need to mention that life expectancy is more complex than eating right and exercising. While those activities are important, so is your geography. People who live in Andorra and Japan live decades longer than those living in Swaziland and Angola.

Bottom line.  If you want to prolong your life, follow these tips: Exercise, limit saturated fat, wear a seat belt, and install smoke detectors. And here’s one I especially  like: listen to what your mother told you, including wearing a coat when it’s cold and a hat when it’s raining. Be sure to get enough sleep, eat your fruits and vegetables, and get a moderate amount of exercise. A final suggestion is one given by Madame Calment, a French woman who lived to be 122 years old:  SMILE. 

Do Sherwood’s findings ring true to you? Do you think that your longevity is somewhat under your control, or do you think that it’s all a matter of genetics? Do you think that surviving crashes, attacks, disease, and accidents is a matter of luck, or do you think that variables such as faith in a higher power, determination, and support are part of the puzzle?

After the Bell Rings

While this post is mainly for my human relations class, it certainly has relevance to anyone with an interest in psychology. Intelligence was a hot topic in my introductory psychology class last week. What is this concept exactly? Can it be measured? How do you know if a person is smart or not? Two theorists, Howard Gardner and Aaron Sternberg, look at intelligence quite differently from the so-called traditional way.

Today I’m concentrating on Gardner’s theory of multiple intelligences. According to our text, Gardner believes that there are at least eight different types of intelligence and that only two of them are the standard types that we get measured on in school. Linguistic and logical/mathematical are of ultra importance in an academic setting, but what about after the proverbial bell rings? How is “smartness” assessed without a paper and pencil test?

Of Gardner’s eight types of intelligence, the two that I believe are important in a person’s work and personal life are intrapersonal and interpersonal. Intrapersonal intelligence tells a person what he’s good at, what his aptitudes and interests are. While you’d think that would be obvious to a person, it apparently isn’t. There are folks everywhere who are employed in positions that they don’t enjoy. In fact, some loathe their jobs and dread going to work. “Is this all there is?” they might ask.

Interpersonal intelligence is an aptitude that allows a person to get along with other people. Individuals with a high degree of this can “read” others, communicate with them, motivate them, lead them, and handle conflict more easily. To take this a step further, they know how to get along with their co-workers and supervisor and understand the importance of forming alliances and of staying in touch with their boss. They know what it takes to get raises and promotions. In the personal arena, those with a high level of interpersonal intelligence also know how to get along with partners, friends, neighbors, and children.

Put your thinking cap on and relate some opinions and/or personal experiences related to the above. How would you rate yourself on intrapersonal and interpersonal intelligence? Are there people in your life whom you consider gifted in these areas? Have there been situations in which you wish you’d had a bigger dose of either or both?

Can I Help?

I listened to an interview on NPR that fits perfectly into a class discussion about positive reinforcement. Based on a new book entitled All There Is: Love Stories From StoryCorps, the advice comes from a sign the author saw many years ago.

According to the sign, there are five things to say to your loved one in order to sustain a happy relationship. As soon as I heard those phrases, I remembered something similar that I’d read in an Ann Landers column many years ago. In her column, there were five phrases that women liked to hear and five different ones that men liked to hear.

According to Ann Landers, women find these five phrases reinforcing:

You look great!
Can I help?
I love you.
Let’s eat out.
I’m sorry.

However, men don’t necessarily find the same sweet nothings to be reinforcing. No, their list is different. Men like to hear:

You’re so sexy.
You’re a genius.
Dinner is ready
Here’s the remote
I hate shopping.

Do you agree or disagree with the reinforcement value of the above phrases? Do you agree with Ann Landers that men and women differ in what they find reinforcing, or do you agree with the sign spoken of by Dave Isay, author of All There Is: Love Stories From Story Corps?

We all know that words alone are not enough to sustain a long term relationship. However, since words can be quite powerful in reinforcing and rewarding others, don’t you agree that finding just the right ones to use with your loved ones could make a difference in the quality of your relationship? If so, what will you say to him or her?

Weddings and Lava Cakes

I have a young friend who’s going through a dilemma right now. Her mother wants her to have a big church wedding complete with several attendants, beautiful flowers, heavenly music, a precious flower girl, and hundreds of guests. The bride-to-be wants to get married at her grandparents’ home with only family and a few close friends. Actually, she wants to tie the knot outside in a grove of trees where she and her cousins played as children. Who will win? Will the mother prevail, or will the young woman be able to overcome her mother’s objections and have the wedding of her dreams?

This situation reminds me of one of Stephen Covey’s habits outlined in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Be Proactive. People who are proactive make their own choices, including mental, emotional, and behavioral. Rather than simply reacting to others and their demands, their quirky behaviors, or their draining influence, a proactive person chooses her own thoughts and actions regardless of the “weather” around them. Covey contends that a proactive person always carries the weather with her instead of reacting to the storms  around them.

Covey further explains that for every event, situation, or product, there is always a first and a second creation. The first creation is in your mind, and the second is the actual result of the thought(s). For instance, the other evening I made some tasty chocolate lava cakes for a party we were attending, and as I thought about these tiny cakes, I realized how much prettier and festive they would look with pink, red, and white sprinkles on the top. I was right! They (the second creation)  were both pretty and delicious.

All situations don’t involve cakes. Some are major and involve imagining yourself in a future career and then getting the education and expertise needed to achieve that goal. Others might involve life events like standing up to a domineering person like a mother or a boss. Regardless of the situation, I agree with Covey that there’s always a first and second creation. The problem is that often the first creation is in someone else’s mind. Sometimes people get into careers, relationships, and environments that are someone else’s dream, someone else’s first creation.

In the opening paragraph, I described a very real situation that will soon be decided. Will the bride stroll down the aisle on the arm of her father while hundreds of onlookers ooh and aah? That’s her mother’s first and second creation. Or will she tie the knot under an oak tree, thus making reality of her own first creation?

What about you? Is the second creation (your own life) one that you chose? Is it your first creation, one that you dreamed about in your mind, or is it that of your sweetheart, your parents, or society? If you could be more proactive, what would you change?

Believe, Be Brave, and Focus

Positive psychology is all about positive change, personal choice, and development. Living a more effective life is the goal. Is there anyone reading this post whose life is exactly where you it to be? Even if today is completely satisfying, would you feel that same way if you knew that you’d be doing, thinking, and feeling the exact same thing(s) one year from today?

Is there a better time to make some changes in your thinking and acting than the beginning of a new year? With 12 months and 52 weeks of time stretched before you, what can/will you do that could make a difference in your life between January 3^rd of this year and January 3^rd of 2013? Do you need to make some relationship changes, even if it’s just setting a boundary? Do you need to find another job, one that more fully utilizes your talents and abilities? Do you need to explore other horizons and see just what life looks like out of South Carolina?

Many people use the beginning of a new year to make resolutions, and while that’s a good idea, sometimes those resolutions bite the dust after a few weeks. We get comfortable in our old routines and forget all about that resolution to take dance lessons, take a mini trip, or lose ten pounds. We get complacent about our relationships, and hence we think feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or sad is normal.

There’s a solution to making changes that doesn’t involve resolutions. It involves words. Yes, using words with personal meaning for us can fuel positive change. Choosing a word that’s just right for you can guide how you think, redirect how you feel, and influence how you act. A friend and I have followed this practice for about five years, and we’re so happy with the results that I wanted to suggest it to you. Not only did we make most of our decisions based on our individual words, but we also found ourselves permanently changing our behavior. Well, semi-permanently. There are still times when I have to remind myself to have COURAGE, to BELIEVE, and to say YES more often. One year my word was NO to people, requests, and situations that were toxic to my psyche.

After much thought and deliberation, my friend came up with her word last week. It’s EXPLORATION. Curious, I asked her whether she meant exploration of other places, interests, and ideas or whether she meant inner exploration. Was she planning to take more trips, hike on the Appalachian Trail, take up painting, or discover inner talents? “All of it. Everything,” she answered. And guess what? She’s already started and is  going on a road trip to Washington, DC with a couple of friends later this month.

Enough about her. What about me? My word for 2012 is FOCUS. That doesn’t sound as exciting as EXPLORATION, but it’s something I definitely need to work on. My husband often says, “You just need to concentrate on one thing at a time,” or “If you’d just pay attention and do one thing at a time, you’d get more accomplished…and maybe you wouldn’t misplace so many things.”

Then too, there are several projects I’m working on, and I know that I need to focus on one at a time. Should I correct the galleys for a book I’m self-publishing? Should I write a few paragraphs for a ebook that I’m writing about what every technical/community college student needs to know? Should I clean out the refrigerator? Or maybe it’s time to clean out some closets. Or no, that can wait. What’s really important is playing Words with Friends with my brother. Then again, classes begin next week, and we’re using a new text for an intro class so I better get busy on that. But not until I start this new book I ordered for my Kindle.

See what I mean? I need to focus, focus, focus. What’s your word? What’s that special combination of letters that can help you capture some of those glittering possibilities that lie in store in 2012? Please tell us your word and share why it’s so important to your personal growth and change.

Psychology and the 8K

The grown-ups were sitting in Dunkin Donuts at the Outer Banks when I got the text from my daughter Elizabeth that she’d just passed the halfway mark of her first 8K. Since she was walking, and her cousin Sarah Beth was jogging, I knew that SB would soon be nearing the finish line.

“Let’s go Y’all,” I said, quickly wrapping my pumpkin muffin and heading for the door. “If Lib’s halfway through, then Sarah Beth is probably getting close to the finish line, and we don’t want to miss that!” 

Back at the school where the race had begun, I waited with my sister-in-law Becky. We were both charged with the happy anticipation of seeing the girls come into view, feelings intensified by the gorgeous day. With temps in the 60’s, a gentle breeze, the sunshine on our arms and faces, we couldn’t have asked for a lovelier day. Then too, there was music, laughter, squeals from children, and the smell of popcorn wafting across the center of the track.

We soon spotted Elizabeth in the distance, and I couldn’t help but feel a mother’s pride. She had done it! She had stayed the course and completed what she had set out to do. As she came through the open gate and onto the track, she asked me to join her in walking towards the finish line. LOVED doing that!

Earlier that morning, I had reminded both girls of one of my favorite terms in psychology, self-efficacy. Loosely defined as one’s ability to make something happen despite challenges and difficulties, I told them that self-efficacy is actually more important than ability. There are plenty of folks out there of average intellect and ability who believe in themselves and their goals so much that they work like crazy to achieve them. The moment someone decides, “I can’t,” she’s right. I had encouraged the girls to keep thinking, “I can do this! I can, I can, I can, I will, I will!”

As Elizabeth and I walked that last lap together, I asked, “So, was there ever a moment that you let doubt creep in? Did you ever find yourself wondering if you could do it or not?”

“No Ma’am,” she responded. “I knew I could do it. A couple of times, I just thought, ‘I don’t really want to.’”

I had to chuckle a little. Isn’t that often the case? We know we can. We just don’t want to. We’re tired or stressed or bored. We’d rather be stretched out in a hammock somewhere. We’d rather be doing anything than what we’re doing. And yet, there are times when quitting is not an option. We all have to do things that we don’t want to do whether it’s performing our jobs, getting up with a crying baby, paying bills, studying for a test, doing our homework, writing a paper, or completing an 8K.

At the finish line, we saw Sarah Beth with her parents. Happy and sad at the same time, she had achieved a personal best and yet there had been no one there to witness it. Since no one knew what a little speedster she had become, we misjudged her estimated time of completion. We all hated that, and I hope that she doesn’t let our poor judgment detract from her accomplishment.

Although they don’t know it, Elizabeth and Sarah Beth provided examples of some important life lessons, all related to psychology: belief in oneself, going the distance, and doing what’s required whether there’s anyone there to take note of it or not. Sometimes those private, inner victories can be sweet.

Can you relate to any of the three concepts mentioned in this post?

• Has there been a time in your life in which you left self doubt keep you from accomplishing a goal? Or how about a time when your high self efficacy gave you the encouragement to try until you succeeded?
• Has there been an instance in which you just flat out quit something? Were you a little disgusted with yourself about it afterwards? Or did you keep on keeping on? Despite the weather, fatigue, lack of skill, very little encouragement, or other issues, did you persevere and finish the course?
• And finally, have there been moments when you’ve accomplished a goal and had no one to witness it or to share it with?

Is Bullying Cultural?

I’ve been reading a book entitled The Little Princes of Nepal, a nonfiction account of the author’s time spent with some of the orphaned children of Nepal. At first, Grennan went to Nepal as a volunteer, but he became so involved with the children and their plight that after his return to America, he began raising money for an orphanage there.  Among the many things I read, one of the statements that I’m thinking of this morning is his comment that the children of Nepal take care of each other. They look after each other, protect the little ones, and get along amicably.

What makes these children’s behavior so different from that of many of America’s children? Why is there so little bullying? One of the biggest issues in America’s public schools (besides the academic aspect) is bullying. Estimates are that 90 percent of middle school children are bullied at some time during their school career, sometimes beginning as early as the preschool years.  According to Feldman, 160,000 American children stay home from school each day because they are afraid of being bullied.

The bully’s appearance is different now. “Back in the day” he was perceived as being a big, bad boy, someone who would actually push, shove, and hurt younger and/or smaller children. Now the bully is just as likely to be a prissy, pretty girl who uses the internet to tease and taunt her prey.  Words can wound deeply. No wonder there are more children being homeschooled!

Back to the question: Why isn’t bullying a problem in Nepal? Is it because the children are in survival mode? Do they have more of a feeling of interdependence and realize that they’re “all in this together” while American kids are more individualistic? Do the hunger, strife, and being apart from families make the difference? Is it because there is no television viewing among Grennan’s young boys?

Share your thoughts about this issue. Is it because of the differences in societies? If so, then why do you think American kids are so mean to each other?

Your Wild and Precious Life

Flipping through a book this morning, I found a quote by Anais Nin that I’ve seen dozens of times, and yet this morning, the words seemed especially powerful. According to Nin, “Life shrinks or expands in proportion to one’s courage.” Do you agree? Let’s take a closer look at the sentence.

Life is a precious gift, one that we often squander in our frenetic coming and going and getting and spending. There are dozens of platitudes I could throw in, but the one that comes to mind at the moment is, “Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans.”(John Lennon) My Merriam Webster online dictionary defines it as, “the quality that distinquishes  functional being from a dead body.” Gee whiz! From a dead body? That’s enough to make a person sit up and take notice!

What about the “shrinks or expands” phrase? Who wants a narrow life, one without friends or activities or fulfilling work or laughter or tears? If a person says no no no no no too often, that’s what happens. Life narrows to the mundane daily events of getting up, going to work or school, coming home, eating dinner, watching a little television, and then turning in for the evening. You might have played around on the computer a little while looking at Facebook or doing some online shopping, but a steady diet of days like that can dull a person’s mind and spirit. You could probably pass Dr. Phil’s so-called “Rut Test.”

Hadn’t you rather that your life be more expansive and richer? I’m not talking about taking a cruise around the world or going deep sea diving (unless you want to, of course). I’m talking about saying YES more often– yes to opportunities, adventures, people, challenges, and invitations. I’m talking about getting off the couch and LIVING. Take a course, call an old friend, go to a Halloween party. Better yet, ride an elephant…or at least go to the fair and eat some Fiske fries.

Ah courage. Whenever I think of this, I recall Susan Jeffers’ statement that, “Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.” That’s her 5^th fear truth, the answer she offers when someone asks why he can’t just go on living life the way he is right not…even if it’s boring and narrow and unsatisfying.

As Mary Oliver asks, “What are you going to do with the rest of your wild and precious life?” If you want a more expansive one, do one brave thing today, something you’ve wanted to do but have been afraid to try. Tell us, what would you do if you could conquer your fear?