This situation reminds me of one of Stephen Covey’s habits outlined in 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Be Proactive. People who are proactive make their own choices, including mental, emotional, and behavioral. Rather than simply reacting to others and their demands, their quirky behaviors, or their draining influence, a proactive person chooses her own thoughts and actions regardless of the “weather” around them. Covey contends that a proactive person always carries the weather with her instead of reacting to the storms  around them.

Covey further explains that for every event, situation, or product, there is always a first and a second creation. The first creation is in your mind, and the second is the actual result of the thought(s). For instance, the other evening I made some tasty chocolate lava cakes for a party we were attending, and as I thought about these tiny cakes, I realized how much prettier and festive they would look with pink, red, and white sprinkles on the top. I was right! They (the second creation)  were both pretty and delicious.

All situations don’t involve cakes. Some are major and involve imagining yourself in a future career and then getting the education and expertise needed to achieve that goal. Others might involve life events like standing up to a domineering person like a mother or a boss. Regardless of the situation, I agree with Covey that there’s always a first and second creation. The problem is that often the first creation is in someone else’s mind. Sometimes people get into careers, relationships, and environments that are someone else’s dream, someone else’s first creation.

In the opening paragraph, I described a very real situation that will soon be decided. Will the bride stroll down the aisle on the arm of her father while hundreds of onlookers ooh and aah? That’s her mother’s first and second creation. Or will she tie the knot under an oak tree, thus making reality of her own first creation?

What about you? Is the second creation (your own life) one that you chose? Is it your first creation, one that you dreamed about in your mind, or is it that of your sweetheart, your parents, or society? If you could be more proactive, what would you change?

Positive psychology is all about positive change, personal choice, and development. Living a more effective life is the goal. Is there anyone reading this post whose life is exactly where you it to be? Even if today is completely satisfying, would you feel that same way if you knew that you’d be doing, thinking, and feeling the exact same thing(s) one year from today?

Is there a better time to make some changes in your thinking and acting than the beginning of a new year? With 12 months and 52 weeks of time stretched before you, what can/will you do that could make a difference in your life between January 3^rd of this year and January 3^rd of 2013? Do you need to make some relationship changes, even if it’s just setting a boundary? Do you need to find another job, one that more fully utilizes your talents and abilities? Do you need to explore other horizons and see just what life looks like out of South Carolina?

Many people use the beginning of a new year to make resolutions, and while that’s a good idea, sometimes those resolutions bite the dust after a few weeks. We get comfortable in our old routines and forget all about that resolution to take dance lessons, take a mini trip, or lose ten pounds. We get complacent about our relationships, and hence we think feeling uncomfortable, resentful, or sad is normal.

There’s a solution to making changes that doesn’t involve resolutions. It involves words. Yes, using words with personal meaning for us can fuel positive change. Choosing a word that’s just right for you can guide how you think, redirect how you feel, and influence how you act. A friend and I have followed this practice for about five years, and we’re so happy with the results that I wanted to suggest it to you. Not only did we make most of our decisions based on our individual words, but we also found ourselves permanently changing our behavior. Well, semi-permanently. There are still times when I have to remind myself to have COURAGE, to BELIEVE, and to say YES more often. One year my word was NO to people, requests, and situations that were toxic to my psyche.

After much thought and deliberation, my friend came up with her word last week. It’s EXPLORATION. Curious, I asked her whether she meant exploration of other places, interests, and ideas or whether she meant inner exploration. Was she planning to take more trips, hike on the Appalachian Trail, take up painting, or discover inner talents? “All of it. Everything,” she answered. And guess what? She’s already started and is  going on a road trip to Washington, DC with a couple of friends later this month.

Enough about her. What about me? My word for 2012 is FOCUS. That doesn’t sound as exciting as EXPLORATION, but it’s something I definitely need to work on. My husband often says, “You just need to concentrate on one thing at a time,” or “If you’d just pay attention and do one thing at a time, you’d get more accomplished…and maybe you wouldn’t misplace so many things.”

Then too, there are several projects I’m working on, and I know that I need to focus on one at a time. Should I correct the galleys for a book I’m self-publishing? Should I write a few paragraphs for a ebook that I’m writing about what every technical/community college student needs to know? Should I clean out the refrigerator? Or maybe it’s time to clean out some closets. Or no, that can wait. What’s really important is playing Words with Friends with my brother. Then again, classes begin next week, and we’re using a new text for an intro class so I better get busy on that. But not until I start this new book I ordered for my Kindle.

See what I mean? I need to focus, focus, focus. What’s your word? What’s that special combination of letters that can help you capture some of those glittering possibilities that lie in store in 2012? Please tell us your word and share why it’s so important to your personal growth and change.

“Let’s go Y’all,” I said, quickly wrapping my pumpkin muffin and heading for the door. “If Lib’s halfway through, then Sarah Beth is probably getting close to the finish line, and we don’t want to miss that!” 

Back at the school where the race had begun, I waited with my sister-in-law Becky. We were both charged with the happy anticipation of seeing the girls come into view, feelings intensified by the gorgeous day. With temps in the 60’s, a gentle breeze, the sunshine on our arms and faces, we couldn’t have asked for a lovelier day. Then too, there was music, laughter, squeals from children, and the smell of popcorn wafting across the center of the track.

We soon spotted Elizabeth in the distance, and I couldn’t help but feel a mother’s pride. She had done it! She had stayed the course and completed what she had set out to do. As she came through the open gate and onto the track, she asked me to join her in walking towards the finish line. LOVED doing that!

Earlier that morning, I had reminded both girls of one of my favorite terms in psychology, self-efficacy. Loosely defined as one’s ability to make something happen despite challenges and difficulties, I told them that self-efficacy is actually more important than ability. There are plenty of folks out there of average intellect and ability who believe in themselves and their goals so much that they work like crazy to achieve them. The moment someone decides, “I can’t,” she’s right. I had encouraged the girls to keep thinking, “I can do this! I can, I can, I can, I will, I will!”

As Elizabeth and I walked that last lap together, I asked, “So, was there ever a moment that you let doubt creep in? Did you ever find yourself wondering if you could do it or not?”

“No Ma’am,” she responded. “I knew I could do it. A couple of times, I just thought, ‘I don’t really want to.’”

I had to chuckle a little. Isn’t that often the case? We know we can. We just don’t want to. We’re tired or stressed or bored. We’d rather be stretched out in a hammock somewhere. We’d rather be doing anything than what we’re doing. And yet, there are times when quitting is not an option. We all have to do things that we don’t want to do whether it’s performing our jobs, getting up with a crying baby, paying bills, studying for a test, doing our homework, writing a paper, or completing an 8K.

At the finish line, we saw Sarah Beth with her parents. Happy and sad at the same time, she had achieved a personal best and yet there had been no one there to witness it. Since no one knew what a little speedster she had become, we misjudged her estimated time of completion. We all hated that, and I hope that she doesn’t let our poor judgment detract from her accomplishment.

Although they don’t know it, Elizabeth and Sarah Beth provided examples of some important life lessons, all related to psychology: belief in oneself, going the distance, and doing what’s required whether there’s anyone there to take note of it or not. Sometimes those private, inner victories can be sweet.

Can you relate to any of the three concepts mentioned in this post?

• Has there been a time in your life in which you left self doubt keep you from accomplishing a goal? Or how about a time when your high self efficacy gave you the encouragement to try until you succeeded?
• Has there been an instance in which you just flat out quit something? Were you a little disgusted with yourself about it afterwards? Or did you keep on keeping on? Despite the weather, fatigue, lack of skill, very little encouragement, or other issues, did you persevere and finish the course?
• And finally, have there been moments when you’ve accomplished a goal and had no one to witness it or to share it with?

I’ve been reading a book entitled The Little Princes of Nepal, a nonfiction account of the author’s time spent with some of the orphaned children of Nepal. At first, Grennan went to Nepal as a volunteer, but he became so involved with the children and their plight that after his return to America, he began raising money for an orphanage there.  Among the many things I read, one of the statements that I’m thinking of this morning is his comment that the children of Nepal take care of each other. They look after each other, protect the little ones, and get along amicably.

What makes these children’s behavior so different from that of many of America’s children? Why is there so little bullying? One of the biggest issues in America’s public schools (besides the academic aspect) is bullying. Estimates are that 90 percent of middle school children are bullied at some time during their school career, sometimes beginning as early as the preschool years.  According to Feldman, 160,000 American children stay home from school each day because they are afraid of being bullied.

The bully’s appearance is different now. “Back in the day” he was perceived as being a big, bad boy, someone who would actually push, shove, and hurt younger and/or smaller children. Now the bully is just as likely to be a prissy, pretty girl who uses the internet to tease and taunt her prey.  Words can wound deeply. No wonder there are more children being homeschooled!

Back to the question: Why isn’t bullying a problem in Nepal? Is it because the children are in survival mode? Do they have more of a feeling of interdependence and realize that they’re “all in this together” while American kids are more individualistic? Do the hunger, strife, and being apart from families make the difference? Is it because there is no television viewing among Grennan’s young boys?

Share your thoughts about this issue. Is it because of the differences in societies? If so, then why do you think American kids are so mean to each other?

Life is a precious gift, one that we often squander in our frenetic coming and going and getting and spending. There are dozens of platitudes I could throw in, but the one that comes to mind at the moment is, “Life is what happens to you while you’re making other plans.”(John Lennon) My Merriam Webster online dictionary defines it as, “the quality that distinquishes  functional being from a dead body.” Gee whiz! From a dead body? That’s enough to make a person sit up and take notice!

What about the “shrinks or expands” phrase? Who wants a narrow life, one without friends or activities or fulfilling work or laughter or tears? If a person says no no no no no too often, that’s what happens. Life narrows to the mundane daily events of getting up, going to work or school, coming home, eating dinner, watching a little television, and then turning in for the evening. You might have played around on the computer a little while looking at Facebook or doing some online shopping, but a steady diet of days like that can dull a person’s mind and spirit. You could probably pass Dr. Phil’s so-called “Rut Test.”

Hadn’t you rather that your life be more expansive and richer? I’m not talking about taking a cruise around the world or going deep sea diving (unless you want to, of course). I’m talking about saying YES more often– yes to opportunities, adventures, people, challenges, and invitations. I’m talking about getting off the couch and LIVING. Take a course, call an old friend, go to a Halloween party. Better yet, ride an elephant…or at least go to the fair and eat some Fiske fries.

Ah courage. Whenever I think of this, I recall Susan Jeffers’ statement that, “Pushing through fear is less frightening than living with the underlying fear that comes from a feeling of helplessness.” That’s her 5^th fear truth, the answer she offers when someone asks why he can’t just go on living life the way he is right not…even if it’s boring and narrow and unsatisfying.

As Mary Oliver asks, “What are you going to do with the rest of your wild and precious life?” If you want a more expansive one, do one brave thing today, something you’ve wanted to do but have been afraid to try. Tell us, what would you do if you could conquer your fear?

Any student of psychology knows that memory is an important topic. From infancy through later adulthood, psychologists study the development of memory and the many changes that take place in the human brain that might affect it. For instance, in infancy the appearance of object permanence signals that the child has developed sufficient memory to realize that out of sight is not out of mind. Just because Mommy left the room, that doesn’t mean that she’s gone forever. At the end of life, psychologists are  intrigued by dementia, especially Alzheimer’s Disease, and how it affects memory.

In-between infancy and later adulthood, there are a myriad of reasons why psychologists are so interested in memory. Not only does it affect your ability to remember facts and figures, skills essential for academic success, but they are also interested in our episodic or personal memories. Why is it that you can’t remember your 10th birthday party while your sister remembers what you were wearing, who was in attendance, and what kind of cake you had? Why do you look at the last family gathering with a warm nostalgic feeling while your brother remembers nothing but negative vibes? How can people recall the same event so differently?

Psychologists believe that our memories are part fact and part fiction. We have a tendency to encode events according to our moods, past experiences, age, and perhaps even our state of fatigue. If our “take” on current events is shaped by our perceptions, then doesn’ t it make sense that our recollections of those events will also be influenced by them? For this reason, psychologists think that many of our personal memories are reconstructions of what we think happened, not necessarily what actually did.

With the above in mind, consider the “Quote of the Day” provided by author Jessamyn West: “The past is really almost as much a work of the imagination as the future.” Do you agree? Can you provide an example? Perhaps you can recall a situation in which you and another person had different memories of the same event. For my own example, I’m wondering how my memories of visiting Ellis Island might be different from those of the young woman in the photograph?

Why is this on a psychology blog? Because it fits neatly into at least two areas: social psychology and the psychology of self. The former includes topics such as interpersonal attraction, decision making, and attitudes. The latter encompasses tons of “self words” like self-presentation, self-esteem, self-concept, and self-efficacy. Truly, the above topic could dovetail into several others including humanistic psychology, an area that involves making choices that affect your life success (or lack of it). While I’m on the subject of topical areas, this is also relevant to intelligence, especially the so-called street smarts.

Many people might argue that it’s their work ethic and their expertise that make the difference. They don’t think it’s fair to be judged on appearance. While they might have a point, it’s a fact that employers are the ones who are calling the shots, and if they don’t want to see visible tattoos and you want the job, then cover it (or them) up. If  you think employers are being too picky about ironing your clothes, fine. Then stay unemployed. Like it or not, people everywhere make assumptions based on appearance, at least until they get to know you.

According the article that I read on NPR, employers and supervisors also make decisions on things that might be a little harder to change. Size, for example. Do you need to lose a few pounds? Many organizations frown on obesity because of health concerns. They want their employees to come to work and work energetically and efficiently, not call in sick. They’re concerned about the cost of insurance premiums too. Also, as much as it pains me to mention it, the article said that good looking people have advantages over average looking ones. While there may not be that much we can do about crooked noses or big ears (just examples, don’t take it personally), we can still do our best with what we have.

Are you willing to cut your hair, hide the tattoo, floss and brush? Is a nice raise worth enough to iron your clothes? Is a promotion worth cutting out the desserts and going to the gym? Can you see how personal choice can affect how people perceive you? Are there changes you can make?

Howard Gardner

The topic in General Psychology this week is intelligence. While most people think of intelligence as “book smarts,” we’ve been discussing more up-to-date theories such as that of Howard Gardner.  He has proposed that there are actually multiple types of intelligences which traditional intelligence tests don’t measure. While the theory is a bit controversial (big surprise!), many components of it have merit.

Can we say that a person with a high degree of logical-mathematical intelligence who can’t keep a job is smarter than a person with a high level of interpersonal intelligence who has an average IQ? Is a person with a high degree of bodily-kinesthetic intelligence (like a dancer or athlete) “dumber” than someone with linguistic intelligence who can write short stories?

Here’s a list of Gardner’s Multiple Intelligences from your text (Lefton and Brannon, Vango Books, 403) with a brief description of each. After reading and thinking about these types, share whether you think Gardner’s theory has validity. You might also consider answer Gardner’s question: “How am I smart?” There’s a big difference between that and, “How smart am I?”

• Linguistic: Sensitivity to the sounds, rhythms, and meanings of words; sensitivity to the different functions of language.
• Logical-mathematical: Sensitivity to and capacity to discern logical or numerical patters; ability to handle long chains of reasons.
• Musical: Ability to produce and appreciate rhythm, pitch, and timber. Appreciation of the forms of musical expressiveness.
• Spatial: Capacity to perceive the visual-spatial world accurately and to perform transformation on initial perceptions.
• Bodily-kinesthetic: Ability to control bodily movements and to handle objects skillfully.
• Interpersonal: Capacity to discern and respond appropriately to the moods, temperaments, motivations, and desire of other people.
• Intrapersonal: Ability to access one’s own feelings and to discriminate among them and draw on them to guide behavior; acknowledge one’s own strengths, weaknesses, desires, and intelligence.
• Naturalistic: Ability to make fine discriminations among the flora and fauna of the natural word or the patterns and deigns of human artifacts.
• Spiritual: Ability to master abstract concepts about being and also the ability to attain a certain state of being.
• Existential: Capacity to understand one’s place in the universe and the nature of being in both physical and psychological terms.

One of the pioneers in learning theories is B.F. Skinner, and yesterday’s class discussion about Dr. Skinner’s operant conditioning has provided some food for thought. Like Skinner, I believe that many of our behaviors are learned by events in our environment. Furthermore, I think that just about any type of behavior can be modified (even one’s own) with the administration with the appropriate reinforcement at the right time.

That said, let’s look at one of the examples that was bandied about in yesterday’s class. I shared an event in which a coach awarded a first prize trophy to the participant whom he perceived to be the best player at the end of a weeklong hockey camp. Sounds like a good idea, right? Apparently the “losers,” the 11-year-olds who didn’t go home with a trophy, thought it was a horrible idea. They got angry and acted out in disrespectful, childish ways, whining and yelling and demanding an award. The onlooker who reported this scene with me was aghast, especially since the parents did nothing to quell the loud protests.

In class, some people agreed with the parents. After all, they reasoned, shouldn’t everyone get a trophy for participating? Someone else spoke up and said that was poor preparation for life, especially in the job arena. Everyone can’t be boss. Everyone can’t be employee of the month or teacher of the year.

Others agreed with this line of thinking, and then someone said that maybe employers should just abolish that sort of completion. We need workplaces where everyone’s a winner, not just the ones who excel in their jobs, put in overtime, take on extra projects, and truly extend themselves far beyond those who put in their standard eight hours.

Can you see where this is going? Within minutes, the subject of entitlement had come up. Somehow people in our society have developed a sense of entitlement, a feeling that just because they show up on a regular basis, they deserve a trophy, a raise, a prize, or even an A. If everyone wins, what’s the incentive to excel?

The hockey camp scenario is typical for many of life’s tricky situations. Choose at least one of these questions and respond to it:

• Is there another approach the coach might have considered?
• Should there be one winner, or should all the children go home with trophies?
• What’s the lesson learned? That we’re all equally mediocre?
• When everyone gets the gold star, is that fair to the truly best player, student, or employee?
• Is there a situation in your life that can be compared to this one?

A couple of things I witnessed this past weekend reminded me of the trend in psychology known as positive psychology, a mindset that emphasizes optimism, personal choice, and happiness in human development and overall mental health. Generally, the so-called lay person thinks of psychology as a field in which people with mental and emotional disorders are helped by talk therapy, drugs, or ECT, and while those things happen, psychology is much, much more.

On Saturday afternoon, I was in one of my favorite retail establishments in Myrtle Beach when I heard a loud, angry voice. It was coming from a man standing in the aisle who was evidently upset with the way the young woman he was with had disciplined a child. He used the f-word a couple of times and then added the b-word to it. By this time, the small child was crying, and the woman was talking back. Actually, they seemed pretty evenly matched as far as their yelling obscenities skills were concerned. Neither seemed aware of the sobbing child, and as they walked away towards the door, both were still hurling insults and threats.

What does this have to do with positive psychology? Read on.

On Sunday, someone told a story about an old donkey who fell in a deep, dried-up well. His owner tried to get him out, but his efforts were in vain. Finally, he realized that nothing he did was going to get the donkey out of the well, so he came up with an alternate plan. He called his neighbors and asked them to bring their shovels so that they could help him fill in the well. After all, it was dry and useless, and the donkey was old anyway.

At first, the donkey brayed and carried on something fierce. He was scared and angry. Still, the men persisted in their dirt shoveling. Suddenly, they realized that the donkey was quiet, and when they looked down into the well to see what was going on, they saw something remarkable. Every time someone hurled a shovel of dirt on him, the donkey shook it off and then stepped up on it. The men continued shoveling, and the donkey continued climbing until eventually he was above ground.

You don’t have to be a psychoanalyst to see the moral of the story. When life throws dirt on you, shake it off and keep stepping up. You don’t have to get buried by dirt. You don’t have to stay trapped at the bottom of a well. No matter how many people are actively involved in shoveling dirt on you, you have a choice to shake it off and step up…or not.

How can this be applied to the fighting couple?