Love is Everything

Although this post relates primarily to those studying Human Growth and Development, any and everyone who’s interested in personal growth can gain something from reading and pondering it. In fact, I’m hoping that all who read it will feel inspired to add their two cents’ worth, thus perhaps helping someone else to view love’s connection to well-being in a new way.

Dr. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled and several other books, was a psychiatrist whose writing greatly influenced the thinking and behavior of millions of people. As we begin the study of human growth, I’m adding one of his most “hard hitting” quotes from The Road. After stating that love is everything, Dr. Peck goes on to say,

“The feeling of being valuable—‘I am a valuable person’—is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood; it is extremely difficult to acquire it during adulthood. Conversely, when children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable, it is almost impossible for the vicissitudes of adulthood to destroy their spirit.”

You have to admit that’s a powerful assertion. What I want to know is whether you agree or disagree and why or why not. Basically, I just want you to jump in and get involved in a discussion. As always, specific examples are much appreciated.

Can I Help?

I listened to an interview on NPR that fits perfectly into a class discussion about positive reinforcement. Based on a new book entitled All There Is: Love Stories From StoryCorps, the advice comes from a sign the author saw many years ago.

According to the sign, there are five things to say to your loved one in order to sustain a happy relationship. As soon as I heard those phrases, I remembered something similar that I’d read in an Ann Landers column many years ago. In her column, there were five phrases that women liked to hear and five different ones that men liked to hear.

According to Ann Landers, women find these five phrases reinforcing:

You look great!
Can I help?
I love you.
Let’s eat out.
I’m sorry.

However, men don’t necessarily find the same sweet nothings to be reinforcing. No, their list is different. Men like to hear:

You’re so sexy.
You’re a genius.
Dinner is ready
Here’s the remote
I hate shopping.

Do you agree or disagree with the reinforcement value of the above phrases? Do you agree with Ann Landers that men and women differ in what they find reinforcing, or do you agree with the sign spoken of by Dave Isay, author of All There Is: Love Stories From Story Corps?

We all know that words alone are not enough to sustain a long term relationship. However, since words can be quite powerful in reinforcing and rewarding others, don’t you agree that finding just the right ones to use with your loved ones could make a difference in the quality of your relationship? If so, what will you say to him or her?

Babies

I saw a great documentary entitled Babies at the Nickelodeon in Columbia yesterday. The film chronicles the birth and development of four babies through the first year or so of life. What intrigued me so about this film was the fact that the babies were being raised in four different countries and totally different cultures.  Despite the variety in diet, daily activities, stimulation, toys (or lack thereof) all four of them developed right on schedule. Plus, they all seemed happy, curious, and healthy.

One of the major issues in psychology is nature/nurture, and in this film, one can’t help but see the importance of nurture. Mari in Japan is wide-eyed as she rides on her mother’s back through a giant department store. There’s so much to see and hear, and she’s trying hard to take it all in. Then there’s the precious baby Ponijao in Namibia, Africa who’s never seen a “toy” in his life, much less a department store. Hattie in America bounces up and down in what I call a “Jumping Jack” while Bayarjargal in Mongolia lies motionless on a bed, his legs swaddled tightly in a wrap of some type. He stares intently at a rooster who walks all around him on the bed while Hattie watches her mother who’s working in a sunlit modern kitchen.  Ponijao’s mother shaves his head with a knife, Bayarjargal bathes in a big washtub sitting by an open window, Mari gets an “attitude” when playing with a roomful of toys (too much stimulation?), and Hattie listens as her parents read to her.

My grandson (above) loves bananas and has been gumming them for as long as I can remember. Ponijao gnaws on bones and sits in the dirt a lot while flies buzz about. Neither little boy seems happier or healthier than the other.  Could the primary factor in development be as simple as love and nurturance? Could it be that whether babies play with expensive toys or cavort with yaks (Bayarjargal) is not nearly as important as whether their parents provide love and a secure attachment?

Check out the movie if you get a chance. If not, you can at least watch the trailer on Google. And if you can’t do that, you can still throw in your two cents’ worth about what you believae is more important, nature or nurture.

Quality Time or Back Rub

This week’s topic is learning, a concept Lefton and Brannon define as a “relatively permanent change in an organism that occurs as a result of experiences in the environment.” While many people were lukewarm in their attitudes toward Pavlov’s classical conditioning, the temperature moved up a notch when we began talking about Skinner’s operant conditioning. It’s powerful stuff! I fervently believe that if a person can find just the right reinforcer and administer it to the right person at the right time, life and relationships would be much much much much much better! Relationships include friends, children, parents, spouses, sweethearts, co-workers, and grandchildren (note the picture).

A practical application is always helpful in understanding new concepts. Yesterday, I thought of a book entitled The Five Languages of Love by Gary Chapman, and after going over the five languages, I think most people understood how they could actually be used as positive reinforcers. These languages are acts of service, physical affection, gifts, words of affirmation, and quality time. As humans, we probably like all of them, and yet there are usually a couple that are at the top of our respective lists.

If you want a more detailed explanation, read the book. In the meantime, here’s an abbreviated version with examples of each of the languages.
*Acts of service might include preparing dinner, ironing a shirt, mowing the lawn, or cleaning the swimming pool. The point is that you actually do something for someone, and for some people, this is the most important way that they feel love.
*A person’s whose # 1 language is affection feels loved when you rub his back, hold her hand, hug her, or massage his shoulders.
*The gift person feels loved and validated when you remember special days with a tangible gift, one that shows that you actually spent time and thought getting something for them.  Just so you’ll know, you could hug and kiss and cook dinner for this person, and while he would certainly appreciate it, he’d also be wondering why you didn’t give him a wallet or fishing rod or something.
*The person whose primary language is hearing words of affirmation yearns to hear you actually SPEAK loving, encouraging, validating words. It’s not enough to give her a back rub or buy her a new bracelet; she wants to hear “I love you.”
*And finally, there are those who might find your sweet words empty and your acts of service meaningless unless you’re willing to simply spend time with them. Diamonds are nice, and so are roses, but time spent just hanging out together is more precious to them.

Now that you have a good idea of the “languages” and how they work, do some thinking about how they could actually be used as positive reinforcers in your life. If you’re telling your boyfriend that he’s the most handsome man in the world, and he seems unimpressed, maybe he needs a backrub. If you’ve exhausted your checking account buying your sweetheart a new ring and she’s acting pouty because you work all the time, then maybe you should work less, spend more time with her, and save your money; she wants your time and attention, not a bauble.

How do you figure out what someone’s primary love language is? One way is to ask them. Another way is to observe what it is that they do for other people, and that’s probably a HUGE clue about what they’d like done for themselves. For instance, my husband is always doing things for other people, and one day it hit me that instead of getting him another gift, I just needed to start performing more acts of service for him. It doesn’t take but a few minutes to iron a shirt, and the payoff is marvelous!

Can you see how this would work in your life? If there’s a relationship that just doesn’t seem “right” somehow, maybe you’re using the wrong type of reinforcement. Think about it and share how you might change.  OR…think more about what your primary language is and consider letting the important people in your life know this. Why should they have to guess about how to make you happy?

After Saying “I Do.”

A friend of mine got married Saturday, and this event has me pondering exactly what it is that makes marriage work. While there may be several factors involved, I particularly like some suggested by psychologist John Gottman (The Seven Principles for Making Marriage Work).

 Gottman says that what makes marriage work is surprisingly simple. Happily married couples have conflict just like unhappily married ones, but they handle it differently. For one thing, they keep their negative thoughts and feelings about each other from overwhelming their positive ones. Plus, they keep quiet about some of these things. Criticizing merely serves to hurt the other party, so why do it?

 Happily married couples don’t allow major differences of opinion to destroy their marriage.  Gottman found that 69 percent of conflicts involve perpetual or unresolvable problems. Jewish or Christian? Catholic or Mormon? Miser or spendthrift? While people might try hard to change each other, it doesn’t work. Successful couples know that significant disagreements are about values and different ways of seeing the world and that these things don’t change. Eventually, they accept each other and the differences rather than continuing to try to control or change things.

 As a example, my husband loves to hunt and is in the woods/swamp much of the time from September through December. Not having grown up in a hunting family, this was totally foreign to me. It still is. I just don’t see how anyone could actually enjoy getting all excited about killing an innocent animal, especially when I think about the elaborate ruses (corn, special cameras) used to attract or keep an eye on Bambi and friends. My sweet husband has patiently explained to me more times than I can recall about the need to keep the deer population in check. He usually ends the “lesson” with a reminder that I eat hamburgers and that hamburgers come from a cow. Does this make a difference in how I feel about taking the life of a deer? Not one iota. But have I learned to “go with the flow?” Yes. He’s not going to change and nor am I, and getting perturbed about this basic difference in values and behavior is not going to change either of us.

 Gottman says that keeping romance alive is important. However, it’s not necessarily the moonlight and roses that count but rather the day-to-day forms of attention that the partners give each other. Although he’s not a coffee drinker, my friend’s husband makes coffee for her every single day and brings her a cup (two sugars, one cream) wherever she is in the house.  It’s a little thing, and yet in relationships the little things are the big ones.

 There’s a lot more to it than this. There’s friendship, mutual respect, and admiration…and love, sweet love. Do you agree with the few of Gottman’s principles that I’ve mentioned?  Does anyone else have any advice for couples who are about to tie the knot?

People Who Need People

I just finished reading and grading all of my PSY 103, Human Relations, assignments, and I’m on a high of sorts. One of the topic choices was related to self esteem, and students could either write about three people who had influenced their feelings of self worth and state how and why OR they could discuss several ways in which they could enhance their self esteem. WOW! I spent a couple of hours reading some of the best documents I’ve ever read.

What I’m thinking about now is how powerful others can be in affecting the way a person perceives him or herself. Whether someone gives up, tries again, gets angry, feels motivated, or soars has much to do with words and treatment from others. For instance…

*One young woman told of a man she had met who asked her what some of her goals were. He encouraged her to write them down, and when she finished her list, the man picked up the piece of paper and held it up to her face, forcing her to look at it as he told her that she could accomplish everything on the list IF she sincerely wanted to.
*Then there was the young man who said that his girl friend had practically saved his life and had pushed and encouraged him when his own family had either given up or was ignorant of his need for support.
*Another person told of some sweet words her mother whispered to her as she held her newborn child. Shaking on the inside with the enormity of the responsibility of raising a child, her mother’s soft voice gave her confidence.
*Still another spoke of the importance of calling a favorite uncle when she felt down and out. Why? Because he always had something encouraging or uplifting to say.

As I ponder these assignments, I find myself pondering the impact of our words and deeds on others. What about you? Do you think your self-esteem and self-image is affected by others? If so, then how? Would you be willing to share an example?

Also, it stands to reason that if others have affected YOU, then you can be powerful in impacting others for good (or bad) too. Can you think of something you can say or do that might lift or encourage someone today?

Consider Me Gone

From Day One when we begin forming attachments to our primary caregivers, issues of trust, dependence, commitment, and a myriad of other issues arise. I was thinking about some of these very issues when I heard a song that prompted this blog post. In fact, I’m “lifting” it from my personal blog because of its relevance to psychology.

While I was out walking earlier this evening, I was listening to my iPod and thinking of how much truth there is in country music. Reba reminded me of that as she confidently belted out “Consider Me Gone.”

I don’t remember all of the words and am too lazy/disinclined to look them up right now, so you’ll have to be content with this paraphrase:

“If I’m not the one thing you can’t stand to lose,
If I’m not that arrow to the heart of you,
If you don’t get drunk on my kiss,
If you think you can do better than this,
Then I guess we’re done,
Consider me gone.”

Go Reba! Tell it like it is. This song reminded me that everybody deserves the very best that life and love have to offer.  I repeat EVERYBODY deserves the BEST. No exceptions. So why don’t more people realize that? You don’t have to settle. You don’t have to take leftovers or crumbs. You deserve the best. Truly, you do. And if you’re in a “relationship” with someone who thinks he or she can do better or who doesn’t get drunk on your kiss, bid them adieu.

Yes, it will be painful. Yes, you might be alone for a while. Is that any worse than being with someone who’s lukewarm about you???  Someone who neither appreciates nor respects you? Again, you deserve the best, something that Etta James calls “A Sunday Kind of Love.”

As a postscript, one of the reader comments to this post was that while it’s true that everyone deserves the BEST, most people are too stuck in current patterns to break away, to change. What do you think? Is that true? If so, then what keeps people “stuck?”