Love is Everything

Although this post relates primarily to those studying Human Growth and Development, any and everyone who’s interested in personal growth can gain something from reading and pondering it. In fact, I’m hoping that all who read it will feel inspired to add their two cents’ worth, thus perhaps helping someone else to view love’s connection to well-being in a new way.

Dr. Scott Peck, author of The Road Less Traveled and several other books, was a psychiatrist whose writing greatly influenced the thinking and behavior of millions of people. As we begin the study of human growth, I’m adding one of his most “hard hitting” quotes from The Road. After stating that love is everything, Dr. Peck goes on to say,

“The feeling of being valuable—‘I am a valuable person’—is a cornerstone of self-discipline. It is a direct product of parental love. Such a conviction must be gained in childhood; it is extremely difficult to acquire it during adulthood. Conversely, when children have learned through the love of their parents to feel valuable, it is almost impossible for the vicissitudes of adulthood to destroy their spirit.”

You have to admit that’s a powerful assertion. What I want to know is whether you agree or disagree and why or why not. Basically, I just want you to jump in and get involved in a discussion. As always, specific examples are much appreciated.

Cover That Tattoo

 A few weeks ago a young co-worker of mine told me about an article she had read about personal appearance and its importance in the workplace. According to the information she had read, some of the top reasons given by employers for not hiring and/or promoting people all had to do with image factors that people have control over: bad breath, unkempt looking hair, visible tattoos, and wrinkled clothing. Then last week, I read an article on NPR that advised people who weren’t getting the positions and raises they wanted to look in the mirror. That’s right. According to the article, looks still count.

Why is this on a psychology blog? Because it fits neatly into at least two areas: social psychology and the psychology of self. The former includes topics such as interpersonal attraction, decision making, and attitudes. The latter encompasses tons of “self words” like self-presentation, self-esteem, self-concept, and self-efficacy. Truly, the above topic could dovetail into several others including humanistic psychology, an area that involves making choices that affect your life success (or lack of it). While I’m on the subject of topical areas, this is also relevant to intelligence, especially the so-called street smarts.

Many people might argue that it’s their work ethic and their expertise that make the difference. They don’t think it’s fair to be judged on appearance. While they might have a point, it’s a fact that employers are the ones who are calling the shots, and if they don’t want to see visible tattoos and you want the job, then cover it (or them) up. If  you think employers are being too picky about ironing your clothes, fine. Then stay unemployed. Like it or not, people everywhere make assumptions based on appearance, at least until they get to know you.

According the article that I read on NPR, employers and supervisors also make decisions on things that might be a little harder to change. Size, for example. Do you need to lose a few pounds? Many organizations frown on obesity because of health concerns. They want their employees to come to work and work energetically and efficiently, not call in sick. They’re concerned about the cost of insurance premiums too. Also, as much as it pains me to mention it, the article said that good looking people have advantages over average looking ones. While there may not be that much we can do about crooked noses or big ears (just examples, don’t take it personally), we can still do our best with what we have.

Are you willing to cut your hair, hide the tattoo, floss and brush? Is a nice raise worth enough to iron your clothes? Is a promotion worth cutting out the desserts and going to the gym? Can you see how personal choice can affect how people perceive you? Are there changes you can make?

Never Give Up!

 

Gambaru! It’s one of my new vocabulary words, one that Ann Curry’s mother used to tell her when she was on the verge of giving up or quitting something. Curry says it’s Japanese for “Never ever give up, even and especially when there’s no chance of winning.” Raised as a  Buddhist, Curry’s mother Hiroe couldn’t find a temple in America when she needed spiritual sustenance. She couldn’t speak English very well either and was often ridiculed. A tough lady, she had battled tuberculosis earlier in her life and won. This is the kind of mother Ann Curry had.

Her father, Bob Curry was a tough cookie too, a strong man who instilled the values of family, love, hard work, and loyalty in his children.  A  Navy man, he met Hiroe when he was stationed in Japan after World War. Life as a mixed-race child in a poor family was hard for Ann and her siblings, and he often told Ann that  that trials and tribulations would make her stronger. It bugged him when his children whined, and one day he told them that from then on, whoever whined would have to drop and do ten push-ups no matter where they were. His kids quickly learned that whining didn’t accomplish anything.

Her father was a man who practiced what he preached. Once they were on a crowded bus, and all five of the children jumped into the empty seats before he could snag one. When her father said, “That’s not fair,” Curry and her siblings gave him “the look,” and he dropped down in the aisle and did ten push-ups. What a lesson in character!

Curry’s father encouraged her to do something of service with her life, and she decided that journalism would broaden her choices. She and her father went to college at the same time, he with the GI Bill and she with small scholarships and all kinds of work from bookstore clerk to hotel maid.

The next time you feel like throwing in the towel, think Gambaru! Think of a young, frail Japanese woman recovering from tuberculosis living in a new land struggling to learn the language and customs. Imagine her rising above taunts and ridicule and prejudice to practice what she preached: Never give up. The next time you think about whining or complaining about how hard your life is, how unreasonable your teachers are, or how unfair life is, think of Bob Curry doing push-ups in a crowded bus.

I’ve never met Bob and Hiroe Curry, but I’ve seen their daughter on television many times. I saw her on the Today set one May morning two years ago. She’s a winner. She never gives up, she works hard, and she serves other people. She doesn’t whine either.

What lessons can you learn from Ann Curry’s life and the examples and teachings of her parents? Can you see that her upbringing and her decisions are based on sound psychological principles? Do you believe that your life would /could improve if you stopped whining and started working harder? Would remembering Gambaru help you?

Mix and Mingle

Today in Human Growth and Development, we discussed the popular child and some of the criteria that go into determining the child’s status. Status is defined as the evaluation of a role or person by other relevant members of a group. Note that this definition is a bit different from the more commonly perceived definition of status in that it doesn’t necessarily translate to SES.

While SES and money might figure into the equation, we discussed the importance of social competence in influencing status/popularity. Being cooperative and helpful, having a sense of humor, and sharing are examples of skills related to competence. So are being able to read others’ nonverbal behavior, possessing social problem solving abilities, and having the ability to present themselves in a positive light.

The burning question is whether these behaviors can be learned. Yes. Yes. Yes. The answer is definitely yes.  Furthermore, these same skills can be learned during adulthood as well. In fact, if more parents knew about these beneficial behaviors, then perhaps they could teach their own children, thus having more popular, accepted, and high status children.

Rather than dig into child psychology texts, I found some pertinent information in Psycho-Cybernetics by Maxwell Maltz. Dr. Maltz describes the lonely personality as being afraid of other people, and he offers this advice:

“Regardless of your feelings, force yourself to mix and mingle with other people. After the first cold plunge, you will find yourself warming up and enjoying it if you persist. Develop some social skill that will add to the happiness of other people: dancing, bridge, playing the piano, tennis, conversation. It is an old psychological axiom that constant exposure to the object of fear immunizes against the fear. As the lonely person continues to force himself into social relations with other human beings…he will gradually find that most people are friendly, and that he is accepted. His shyness and timidity begin to disappear. He feels more comfortable in the presence of other people and with himself.”

So what do you think? Do you agree with Dr. Maltz? Is this strategy something you might encourage your children to try? Or what about you? Do you think taking the plunge to mix and mingle with other people will help you? You might not have popularity or status as a goal, but surely you can see the value of friends.

People Who Need People

I just finished reading and grading all of my PSY 103, Human Relations, assignments, and I’m on a high of sorts. One of the topic choices was related to self esteem, and students could either write about three people who had influenced their feelings of self worth and state how and why OR they could discuss several ways in which they could enhance their self esteem. WOW! I spent a couple of hours reading some of the best documents I’ve ever read.

What I’m thinking about now is how powerful others can be in affecting the way a person perceives him or herself. Whether someone gives up, tries again, gets angry, feels motivated, or soars has much to do with words and treatment from others. For instance…

*One young woman told of a man she had met who asked her what some of her goals were. He encouraged her to write them down, and when she finished her list, the man picked up the piece of paper and held it up to her face, forcing her to look at it as he told her that she could accomplish everything on the list IF she sincerely wanted to.
*Then there was the young man who said that his girl friend had practically saved his life and had pushed and encouraged him when his own family had either given up or was ignorant of his need for support.
*Another person told of some sweet words her mother whispered to her as she held her newborn child. Shaking on the inside with the enormity of the responsibility of raising a child, her mother’s soft voice gave her confidence.
*Still another spoke of the importance of calling a favorite uncle when she felt down and out. Why? Because he always had something encouraging or uplifting to say.

As I ponder these assignments, I find myself pondering the impact of our words and deeds on others. What about you? Do you think your self-esteem and self-image is affected by others? If so, then how? Would you be willing to share an example?

Also, it stands to reason that if others have affected YOU, then you can be powerful in impacting others for good (or bad) too. Can you think of something you can say or do that might lift or encourage someone today?

Twain’s Insight

In case you missed the quote of the day, here it is. “Thousands of geniuses live and die undiscovered – either by themselves or by others.” Mark Twain

When I logged on to the site a little while ago, I was  struck by the truthfulness of the quote. I fervently believe the accuracy of it, and yet I’m perplexed at how to get others to realize just how gifted and filled with potential they are. I agree with Oliver Wendell Holmes who said, “Many people die with their music still in them.” Sad, very sad.

What are some of your ideas about how we can help people discover their innate abilities? How can we get them to sing and dance and play the violin (just an example) before it’s too late? Don’t leave yourself out of  this scenario. Don’t you want to make the most of your abilities and gifts?

Becoming the Real You

In both of the classes I’ve taught this morning, we’ve talked about the major perspectives of psychological thought.  While I find truth in all of the various viewpoints, this morning I found myself talking more about humanistic psychology. Sometimes referred to as the “third force,” it focuses on free will, the right and responsibility to make choices, and personal growth.

Carl Rogers, one of the most famous of the humanists, also developed a theory of counseling known as client centered counseling. It this type of therapy, the client or patient directs the content and flow of the discussion rather than the doctor. Other tenets of this therapeutic method include being nonjudgmental, using empathy, and withholding advice.

After class, I came back to my office and opened Butler-Bowdon’s 50 Psychology Classics to the section on Rogers. He believed that when a person came to him for therapy, he or she would usually give a reason such as issues with a spouse, a boss, a co-worker, or perhaps even an anger management issue. In other words, people seemed to believe their problems were out there somewhere.  

However, Rogers found that these reasons were not the real problem at all! In fact, there was just one problem that Rogers saw in all of the people he counseled: “They were desperate to become their real selves, to be allowed to drop the false roles or masks with which they had approached life to date. They were usually very concerned with what others thought of them and what they ought to be doing in given situations.” (Butler-Bowdon)

What about you??? It could be that you’re blaming your neighbors, your demanding parents, your nagging wife, bills, the weather, or your horoscope for your problems when the problem lies within you. Do you want to find your real self? Would you like to drop your masks that you’ve been wearing?  Wouldn’t you like to be YOU and not a reflection of society…or of what others expect?

What are you waiting for?

SC’s Obesity Rate

In Human Growth and Development, obesity is a topic that surfaces in every unit from babyhood to adulthood. It seems that America has a “growing” problem in weight control, one that affects many dimensions of a person, including his physical, emotional, and social well-being. That said, I read this morning that South Carolina ranks #5 in the nation in obesity. Why can’t we be # 5 in education and # 45 in obesity????

Seriously, why do you think SC is the fifth-fattest state in the country? In fact, a new study by two public health organizations determined that eight of the 10 most obese states are in the South.  By the way, our neighbors to the north and west, North Carolina and Georgia, aren’t even on the list.  What’s going on? Is it our buttered biscuits and fried chicken? Does it have to do with poverty and the food available to the state’s impoverished population?

Whatever the reasons, we have a problem in SC, and I’m curious about your thoughts as to its cause(s). I’m also wondering if you have some ideas about combating it. With 30 percent of our residents classified as obese, we must do something.

Power of Self-Esteem

In PSY 103, we’re beginning a study of “self” words, including self-esteem. I thought it might be interesting to cite the definition given in the text (Reece & Brandt) and ask you to respond to it. Is it true? Does it affect our choices, and if so, how? Does it influence how we see the world and our place it in? Again, how? In other words, read the definition of this powerful concept and react to it. You might consider including a specific example of how it applies to your life.

“Our level of self-esteem affects virtually everything we think, say, and do. It affects how we see the world and our place in it. It affects how others in the world see and treat us. It affects the choices we make-choices about what we will do with our lives and with whom we will be involved. It affects our ability to both give and receive love. And, it affects our ability to take action to change things that need to be changed.”

Do you agree or disagree with the above? Just how important is healthy self-esteem?

Quotation Reaction

Here’s a quote that I posted on the discussion board of an online course this morning. It fits perfectly into both intro and development courses because it makes you think about both your unique qualities and those that make you like the rest of the human family.  After reading the three lines, share an example of each.

Every person is like every other person.
Every person is like some other person.
Every person is like no other person.